


What ain't living can never really die

by Marittimo



Category: The Lost Boys (Movies)
Genre: F/M, M/M, Multi, Self-Harm, Survivor Guilt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-13 00:54:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29144769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marittimo/pseuds/Marittimo
Summary: They hadn't even spared Star, not caring that she was just a half, that she had refused to kill.Michael had held her until her last breath and had cried over her dead body until he had no tears left.He had already cried most of them for the boys after all, and by the end of the night his eyes were completely dry.That he kept living was his curse and Michael spent every waking moment wishing he had died that day, with them or killed by them made no difference to him. Both options would have been better than being the sole survivor.
Relationships: David/Dwayne/Michael Emerson/Marko/Paul/Star (Lost Boys), David/Michael Emerson (Lost Boys)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 32





	1. Months have gone but the pain is the same, I have passed my days by the sound of your names

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from Lord Huron's Love Like Ghosts  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title comes from Lord Huron's In The Wind.  
> The quotes in the moodboard are from Lord Huron's In The Wind (second line, left) and Cesare Pavese's Verrà la morte e avrà i tuoi occhi - Death will come and will have your eyes (third line, right)

They hadn't even spared Star, not caring that she was just a half, that she had refused to kill.  
They killed her in front of him, pushing a stake right through her heart.

When he closed his eyes Michael could still see her terrorized expression, how she was convulsing in pain before her body stilled, the light leaving her eyes as she fell on the floor.

He had held her until her last breath and had cried over her dead body until he had no tears left.  
He had already cried most of them for the boys after all, and by the end of the night his eyes were completely dry.

~

Michael lied still in his bed, trying to sleep and failing, thoughts and memories eating at him.

Despite his brothers' sacrifice -he still couldn't bring himself to say that other word, _death_. It made everything feel much more real- nothing had changed. He was still a half.  
It had all been in vain, Michael had gained nothing, and had lost everything.

~

"Michael..." A voice called out for him, but he refused to answer.  
It was Sammy. He'd been trying to get him to speak again for the past few days, every time unsuccessfully.

"It's not healthy, what you're doing." He said, but his words had no meaning to Michael. "You've got to move on." He continued, unbothered by his unreactivity. "They're dead now, they can't hurt you anymore."  
He said it like it was a good thing, and it made Michael's heart ache.

_'They never did. They never hurt me'_ He reminded himself. _'But God how I wish they could now!'_  
Michael longed for their punishment, desired it with a burning passion even though he knew it would never come.

~

That he kept living was his curse and Michael spent every waking moment wishing he had died that day.

But as much as he wanted to die, he could never kill himself.  
He knew the life he had was not his to take.

So whenever life was too much to take and he just wanted to slash his wrists, he ended up dragging the razor higher up across his inner forearms, sometimes even on his thighs, always making sure the cuts weren't too deep.

~

On the days when Michael didn't even want to get out of bed there was only one thing that motivated him to do it anyway. Thorn.

The hound had shown up the morning after that fateful day, looking as devastated as Michael was feeling. He didn't want him around at first, the dog reminding him too much of what he'd lost, but he had refused to leave and had kept barking until Michael, exhausted, had taken him in.

"You miss them too, don't you?" He had asked him, running a hand through his white fur, surprisingly soft.  
The hound had left out a loud whine then, as if understanding his question, and Michael had sighed. "Me too, buddy. Me too."

~

In the following weeks, Michael had decided to build graves for them in the cave. Tombstones.

There was nothing buried beneath them, and Michael was well aware of it. He hadn't been allowed near the boys' bodies after his family had seen how devastated he'd been as he had collapsed in front of David's.  
_'He's the only one I've killed, after all.'_ Michael liked to tell himself, hoping that one day he'd believe it.  
He knew that technically Sam had killed Dwayne and the Frog Brothers had killed Paul and Marko (whose body Michael had never found as well), but _he had allowed them to._ He hadn't tried to stop them.  
He was just as guilty.

Their blood was on his hands, and now Michael didn't even know where they were, if they'd been burned to ashes by sunlight or if their bodies had just been thrown away like trash.  
He'd asked, many times, but never got any answers.

So, needing to have some way of remembering them, something to comfort him in his moments of crisis, Michael had built those memorials, his own personal temples.

He talked to them, cried, apologized, even though he knew there could be no forgiveness for his crimes.

He brought them offering, flowers sometimes, some other times cigarettes and joints that burned like incense at those makeshift altars.  
Some night before leaving he left the stereo on, hoping that wherever they were, his brothers could still enjoy some music.

And when he felt too guilty, when daily life was too much to take, he'd give them his blood, letting it pour into some of those fancy crystal glasses the boys kept around the cave.  
Never too much to kill him, but just enough to relieve him. Just like watering a plant, Michael nurtured his own grief with it.

~

After the first time he had done it, he had come back only to find the blood gone the next night.

He had hoped for a moment, but he knew it was just wishful thinking.  
The boys couldn't have taken it, because the boys were _dead_. The sooner he came to terms with it, the better.

Most likely the bats that lived in the cave had taken it, and Michael found he didn't care. If his suffering could help those who still inhabited the place so be it.

~

The Frog brothers had been found dead soon after.  
Nobody had asked him anything. Nobody had even told him, too afraid he'd jump to unreasonable conclusions. They didn't want him to think someone was still out there, seeking revenge.

But Michael knew all too well the boys hadn't done that.  
He had.

~

The morning after their death Michael had woken up with trepid excitement and fear, but as he had opened the windows and faced the sun he hadn't caught fire.  
Michael had sighed, relieved. Despite the kills he hadn't turned, he was still a half.

He'd been careful not to feed on them, not to taste their blood, no matter how inviting it had smelled

And why exactly had he done that, why hadn't he given in to his consuming thirst?  
Simple, he didn't feel worthy of it.

Hunting was more than just killing, and Michael knew he couldn't do it alone.  
Besides, he needed the pain of the hunger. It kept him grounded, reminded him of his fratricide.

But the bodies hadn't gone to waste, Michael had fed them to Thorn, the closest thing to a packmate that Michael still had.

~

The thirst was a hollowing pain in his throat, left him without breath and unable to move at first.  
He got used to the constant cramps in his limbs, at times so strong he couldn't even stand up.

But Michael had learned to live with his hunger as he had learned to live with his guilt, and wasn't ready to let go of it yet.

He doubted he ever would.

~

Michael had started to spend more and more time at the cave.  
Their scent was beginning to fade, and it broke his heart.

What he wouldn't have done to be able to bottle it up, to keep it forever, to have their comforting smell with him if that was all that was left of them.

~

Michael was pacing in his room, had been for hours now, trying to understand what to do.

He had seen them.  
He had seen them on the boardwalk, and now couldn't go back to his daily life.  
Even if it had only been a hallucination he didn't care, he had to see them again, or he would have gone mad.

~

He wasted no time going back to his old sleeping habits. He knew his brothers would only come out at night, and he needed to be completely awake to search for them.  
Michael was sure it'd be easy to meet them again, sure they were after the same revenge Michael craved for himself. They would want to find him just as much as he wanted to be found.

He would suffer, and with his pain peace would come, his torment would atone his sins.  
Dying by their hand would finally free him from his guilt.


	2. Death will come and will have your eyes

"Hello Michael."

That voice sent a shiver down Michael's spine.  
He realized he knew that voice.  
It had been a long time since he had last heard it, but there hadn't been a night in which he hadn't dreamt of it.  
He'd heard his name being called like that with so many emotions behind it by one person only, but Michael knew it couldn't be.  
It was all in his head, it _must have been_. No matter what Michael thought he had seen, he was dead. They all were.

Still Michael turned around, slowly, trying not to give in to hope and that desperate desire to see him again, the man that had changed him forever.  
But there he was, David stood in front of him in all his glory, his leather coat contrasting with his pale skin and his bleached blond hair.

Michael wanted to cry. He had never thought he'd get to meet him again, and this time he was determined not to fuck it all up. This time he'd be honest, he'd let David know just how much he meant to him, and then he'd let David have his revenge on him.  
Michael wanted nothing more, had longed for that punishment for so long.

The past few months had been hell, Michael had been trapped somewhere between life and death, with no one to guide him, no one to reassure him.  
But now David was here at last, his leader, his maker. His soon-to-be _executioner_.

So Michael didn't try to run, instead as soon as he was close enough to feel David's breath on his face, he dropped to his knees.  
Reverently, he got closer to David and grabbed him tightly by the waist, wanting to feel his presence, to know he was really there. He was aware his face laid only inches away from David's crotch, but Michael didn't care. He didn't care how humiliating or how obscene the scene looked to the people on the boardwalk. He needed this, to show submission to his pack leader, to beg for forgiveness in the only carnal way his body knew of.

"Michael..." David's voice was sweet, softer than Michael remembered and nicer than he expected, than he _deserved._  
"Get up, _please_. There's no need for this."  
Michael got on his feet quickly after that, he would have done anything David had asked of him.

Still, he wrapped his arms around David once more as he stood, and felt the way the blond held him tightly as well, as if David really wanted it, as if there was no reason behind that hug other than passion and relief from meeting again.  
As if he didn't know Michael was doing this just to bare his throat to him.

"I'm offering myself to you, can't you see it?" He murmured in David's ear after a moment, tilting his head to expose his neck even more.  
"Please, just do it." He whispered, his voice trembling in anticipation. "I'm yours to take, and so is my blood, my body, my soul..." Michael's desperation was plain in his voice as he finished. "My life."  
He had waited so long for this, for the wrath of his maker. "I _need_ you to hurt me, David. Please!" He begged. "Punish me." _'Redeem me.'_

David stepped back at that, his expression saddening, and cupped his face into his hands, effectively making Michael look up at him. "I can't do it Michael." He admitted, smiling weakly. "I care so much about you, I could never harm you." He confessed shaking his head, and from the tone of his voice, Michael knew that it was true.

"You- you don't want to hurt me?" Michael asked anyway, incredulous. It made no sense, why wouldn't he want to finally get his revenge?  
"No." David confirmed, taking his hands into his own.  
Michael's pleading eyes met David's loving ones. "Why?" He asked, feeling like a disappointment once more. He wasn't even worthy of being fed on, was that it?

David lowered his head, Michael's thought clear in his mind. He sighed. Did Michael really think so low of himself?  
"Come with me." He offered. "And I'll show you just how much you're worth to me."

"Alright." Michael nodded, hope growing inside him. David would lead him to a more secluded place, and once there he would finally take what was his: Michael's life.

~

As soon as they were alone, David stopped and turned to him, his hands reaching for the back of Michael's neck, trying to push him closer but not forcing him.  
Michael leaned into his touch willingly and closed his eyes, ready and eager to feel David's sharp teeth break his skin.  
Instead, Michael only felt the soft press of David's lips on his.

Michael opened his eyes then, confused and just a little bit disappointed. "Why are you doing this?" He asked, heartbroken. _'Why do you toy with me like this when we both know you're just here to kill me? Do you want me to suffer even more? I know I deserve it but please, please spare me this pain. Don't give me hope!'_

"Because I'm so incredibly happy to see you, Michael. You wouldn't believe how much I've missed you." David told him, stepping back. "Because I could never kill you." His voice cracked and Michael looked back up at him. Were those tears in the corner of his eyes?  
"Do I have to say it, Michael?" David continued. "Don't you already know how much I love you?"

Michael let out a soft gasp and for a moment neither of them spoke again. "Please talk to me?" David asked after a while, getting anxious at seeing Michael still unresponsive.  
"I love you too." Michael confessed, feeling warm tears falling from his eyes, his voice so quiet David doubted he would have heard him had he been human. "I realized it when it was too late. I'm sorry for what I did, so sorry... Believe me David, I never wanted it to end that way!"

David saw how much Michael was hurting, so he just took him into his arms, holding him tightly to his chest and speaking softly into his ear. "Shh, it's okay, you didn't know any better."  
"Forgive me, David..." Michael pleaded.  
David smiled as he held him closer. "Oh Michael, I forgave you a long time ago. Now please, don't cry anymore."

Michael froze at that. _'I'm annoying him, I can't do anything right.'_  
He looked down, ashamed to have failed David once again. "I'm sorry, I'll stop."  
David understood why Michael had calmed down that quickly, and it hurt him to know Michael was so afraid of failing him still. "I didn't mean it like that..." He started, saddened. "Believe me Michael, you don't annoy me."

Michael didn't answer, instead he just wrapped his arms around David once again, inhaling his scent and running his fingers through his hair, still unable to believe David was really there in front of him telling him he loved him. 

"Do you wanna come with me, Michael? Back home at the cave?" He offered tentatively, as if afraid Michael would refuse.  
"I'll do whatever you want me to do." Michael said nodding, and he meant it.

David sighed, that blind submission making it hard for him to know whether Michael would like that too or would do it just because he had asked. "Then I want you to tell me the truth. Do you want to?" He tried again, and Michael's answer came quickly.

"Yes." He nodded. "Please don't leave me." He added in a whisper.  
David smiled at him. "I will never." He promised. "Not until you no longer want me by your side."  
Michael smiled genuinely. _'I'll always want you. Always have, always will.'_ He swore, and David lightened up at those words.

"Let's go, then." He said, wrapping his arms around Michael's waist once more and taking off. "Hold on tight."


End file.
